My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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