hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
