Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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