Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
