im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
