and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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