Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
worst night to have a conscience
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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