hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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