matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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