Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
