3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
