I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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