I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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