i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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