Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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