she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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