put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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