dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
