I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
