matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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