you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
