i jhust puked up my retainher.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
