I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
