Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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