Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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