I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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