I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
