things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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