I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
