Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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