I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
