remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
