Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
