Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize