My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
now i know why i became what i already was.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
