I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
