I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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