I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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