shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
