so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
