Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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