I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if only i could text you this smell
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
