We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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