Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
