My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
