By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
