my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
