Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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