i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
