OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
