Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
whose parrot is this?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
