the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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