I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
