watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
