Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
