the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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