I skipped work to stalk him.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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