I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
