I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
