I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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