I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
