Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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