WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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