I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
