do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
