Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
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