That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I am one with the molecules
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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