we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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