Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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