Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
